Quintin Head 2009: It was a risky move but Trapmore was confident the short term losses would result in long term gains. Quintin Head was ICBC’s first head race of the year and was the designated purification race where all bad form was cleared out of storage and released in a total squad spring cleaning. International coaches concede that rowing detoxes are harmless but question the value of a ‘Detox-Row’ due to lack of supporting factual evidence. ‘New-age’ or ‘Alternative’ rowing is a relatively new concept but ICBC is keen to keep it’s finger on the pulse of modern rowing. Crews were quick to adapt to the system displaying poor rock-over, short strokes, late catches and lack of rhythm. The three racing crews masterfully fulfilled the brief and finished down the field with the highest result of the day third in WS2 and N.

Henry 'Viper’ Fieldman coxed the senior women’s 8+ (Louise Hart, Rachael Davies, Ellie Dorman, Erica Thompson, Stef Menashe, Clarice Chung, Christina Matteotti & Chloe Symmonds). The transfer from men’s to women’s boats had Fieldman struggling to make calls; “That’s good boys, eh, I mean girls… whatever, just row”. They came third (14:24.9) behind boat house neighbours Thames RC in second (14:29.2) and the overall WS2 winners City of Oxford (14:19.8). Pressure has been on the women’s squad this year with seats hotly contested for the Women’s Head of the River in March. Their ability to follow through the guidelines of the ‘Detox-Row’ is a credit to all involved. Temptations to perform well and dominate the race were brushed aside in true ICBC spirit.

The three novice boats were all suitably dissatisfied with their execution of rowing. The novice women narrowly escaped being coxed by Officer Duffy, a predicament which may have permanently ended website race reports. Luckily the weathered hands of Libby Richards took control of the steering and cruised to a solid sixth place finishing (17:11.2) behind winners Kingston Grammar School (16:33.6). The almost 40 second deficit was ample time for the classic-mistake-stockpile to be exhausted. Imperial I under the management of Cox Reddy came third in 14:06.8 behind University of Bristol in second (14:05.0) and Emanuel School in first (13:56.5) in the novice (N) category. Imperial II were coxed by Kate Wylie and came an impressive 11th in the same category (16:15.3), truly ridding themselves of all rowing afflictions. There were even rumours of an early crab… but that may have just been fodder generated to impress coaching staff.

The ‘Detox-Row’ was deemed a huge success and ICBC’s inadequate-rowing reserve was severely depleted over the 4km race from Hammersmith to Chiswick Bridge. Following the dismal performances all crews reported improved health, energy, vitality, resistance to disease, mental state, digestion as well as a noticed improvement in weight loss. Stroke Louise Hart was even exhibiting signs of a new maternal instinct after spotting Trapette Lucy at training the following morning; “Aw… I can’t wait to have children.” Cox Fieldman was initially dubious about the visit but was relieved to discover that he was a few inches taller than Lucy; a first for Henry at the club. Trapmore’s manly reputation may be slightly tainted after being spotted carrying ‘Monkey’ and a miniature pink umbrella around the gym. However it is thanks to Capital T’s foresight and avant-garde tactics that there remains only skill, prowess and savvy rowing manoeuvres within club members to utilise on race days. With the rowing toxins purged and sarcasm levels reaching new heights, normal winning operations will now resume.

 

Christina Duffy